am i really updating this, guess i am! i don't know if you'll like it though... this is for you Hanna! <3
Hayley's point of view:
As the seconds pass i realize more and more how wasted Josh really is and i never knew this kind of Josh before. I feel sick and i can't breathe, i want to scream but i can't, the thoughts in my head are rushing fast, as tears begin to run down my face and of course Josh can't notice. I don't even think of what 's happening now, i'm thinking about tomorrow, those girls used me and i'll be classified as one of those crazy girls, just like the one's at our school but worse because they'll think that i'm sick enough to pretend that i hated Josh, just to get his attention they'll say, my parents would probably find out, i don't even know how this night will end, i'm suddenly horrified.
- Come on, Hayley, he murmurs into my ear, his hands grabbing my hips, i gasp, i feel the urge to just kill him, he's trying to pull my clothes off now, i whimper, scared and push his hands away, he laughs at me and continues and my heart is breaking, my silly heart, how could i think that there was something good about this person, how could i ever think that?
- Don't touch me, i hissed through tears, he only laughed and kisses me roughly than suddenly pulls himself away from me and drags me to his bed, i pull my hand back but he's too strong, get away from me, Josh! i yelp unable to control my tears.
- What the hell is wrong with you? he shouts, that's all you've been dreaming off.
- You're complitely sick! i cry out, i never liked you, i never fell for you, i hate you! i snap and ripping my hand off his grip I run to the door but before i can get the handle he ripps me away from the door, i cry and than i hear some noise coming from down stairs, there's too much of it, it's even louder than the music. Josh's pulling me back towards him, the music stops and i hear uncontent shouting, people swearing, things crashing down into the floor, my hearty beats furiosly in my chest, Josh's pinning me down against his bed, his breath full of alchool tickles my neck. Footsteps on the stairs, heavy footsteps, somebody's running here, voices. The door is pulled wide open, the lights are turned turned, Josh groans in annoyance and i get the chance to push myself away from him.
- What the hell is going on here? a male voice roars, Josh, there you are, you little- i'm breathing hard looking at the face of a young man with a messy hair cut and something tells me he knows Josh very well, maybe they're even related, i see a flash of confusion in his brown eyes, he studies my appearence than looks at Josh who's sitting on the bed saying something uncomprehesible and running his hands through his hair.
- Hey, hey, are you okay? the guy asks me and looks into my eyes, i realize that i'm too shaken up to even speak, he inches closer, hey, he sais softly and grabs my hand, i don't say anything feeling the tears coming again, Kelly! he calls out.
- Dude, we were having such a great time and you come and ruin it all, Josh says, the sounds of his voice make shivers run down my spine and not in any good kind of way.
- You, shut up! the guy shouts angrily, you're going to pay for this-
- You're not my mother-
- Shut up Josh, when mom and dad come home i'll make sure they teach you a good lesson- Kelly! I begin to chake, only willing to leave this room, my head is spinning, My God, he guy whispers looking at me closely, i only stare into his brown eyes, my head turns as i hear somebody enter the room.
- Oh my Gosh, what's happening here? a girl with curly hair asks, well she's probaly way older than me, she looks a bit tired, Joshua! she exclaims, than looks at me, my gosh, she breathes out.
- Get her out of here and try to calm her down, she's in a state of shock, the guy tells her and leads me closer to the girl who nodds her head and wraps her arm around my shoulders.
- Come, she tells me softly, i obey although she's only a stranger to me, the guy starts to shout at Josh, he's angry, tells about the party and Josh's attitude, my head begins to spin, the girl leads me down the stairs, i see Emily rushing towards us one's were down.
- Hayley, are you alright, what did he do? she shouts and grabs my arm, Hayley, you can tell me-
- He tried to, i begun, no, it's only my fault, he's drunk and i- i begin to sobb and collapse againts Emily, she huggs me tigh, as if trying to share her straight with me, like it could help.
- He's going to pay for this, thas asshole, Hayley, why didn't you just left the party? she demanded and looked at me, i begin to shake my head.
- I was leaving but he came, i cry out, the girl hands me a glass of water but i shaky head, i see people leaving and the messy living room, shattered pieces of something expensive are on the floor next to the fireplace, cans and epty beer bottles everywhere.
- I'm his brother's wife, i'm Tina, the girl with curly hair says.
- I'm Hayley, i whisper, i'm, i begun but i don't know what else to add, i don't even know who i am anymore.
- You can tell me anything Hayley, Emily tells me quietly, if he hurt you, just tell me, i look at her and than at Tina who looks concerned, i sigh than feel my phone in my pocket and rememeber everything, my heart is beating furiously.
- Can you give me a ride home? i whisper to Emily.
- Of course, i can do that, Emily tells me softly, we better go, she tells Tina who nodds, they seem to be knowing each other.
- Hayley, she tells me softly, i'm so sorry about Josh, i shake my head.
- It's nobody's fault, i whisper, he's drunk, i whisper feeling like i'm on the verge of tears, again.
Emily pulls me towards the door, that damn door i should've never walk through today, the memories of the party are flashing through my mind, i chew into my lip, the girls used me, made fun of me, Josh, i can't even derscribe what's been going on throgh his head, i think i'll never stop hating him and there's no revenge that could ever make me feel better, maybe he's not even worth it. Zac comes out of the kitchen while we're leaving, he shots Emily a look and she ignores him complitely and i'm glad, i don't want to stay here anymore.
- Can you at last not walk out on me! he shouts, i glance at Emily but she doesn't even seem to hear him, she takes my hand and leads me down the front porch, so that's it, he shouts behind us, i'm ain't even, i don't even care about her, that's Josh's business!
- Exactly, you don't care, Zac, Emily says as she turns her head to look at him.
- Is that a fucking reason for us to split up? Zac yells, she rolls her eyes.
- Like,you know what, fuck you Emily! Zac shouts, i wince and glance at Emily but she doens't seem offended at last now, i climb into the car.
- Zachary Wayne, come ver here! the guy that saved me from almost being raped by Josh yells from the doorway, Zac is cussing and staring at us, hear what i said? the guys snaps.
- Stop acting like you're some boss here, Nate! Zac snaps, i close the door but they're loud enough for me to hear.
- This is still my house and i can't believe you made such a mess here and i am the eldest so shut up and come back inside to clean this shit!
- At last Nate will kick their asses, Emily smirks and drives away, i glance at Zac and the Nate guy argue about something, i glance down at my hands and than remember about my phone, i pull it out of my pocket hastly, sure enough the battery is dead by now, i chew into my lip and place it back into my pocket wondering if i recorded anything at all. I'm not even sure what i'd do about it, it's not like nobody knows what Josh is really like, so there's no point for people at school to hear this. I sighed and shook my head, i was such a mess, everything was such a mess. I burried my face into my hands, i felt like crying.
- Hayley, are you alright? i heard Emily say softly, i started to sob as the words left her mouth, Hayley, i'm so sorry, Emily whispered and pulled me into a hug, i realized that we were in front of my house already, he's a jerk, why didn't you just listen to me, she whispered.
- I thought that i was stronger, i whimpered, i was so wrong, i'm so damn stupid, what was i trying to prove to myself? i whispered.
- You proved to yourself that Josh's still the same, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, Hayley, she said strongly but i could see the sadness in her eyes, she felt sorry for me.
- I know, i know, i whispered and pulled away, thank you for, thank you for being there for me, i don't even, i don't even know why you're waisting your time with me.
- Stop it, Hayley, she says softly, i'm, i'm so sorry, she said, i've been so wrong, i stare at her confused but she shakes her head, just so you know, i'm here, okay? i nod my head and hug her tight feeling really thankful than i glance at my house, the lights are on in the living room and outside too, lighting up the path towards the front porch, nothing to be scared of but i'm terrified.
- Want me to walk you to-
- No, i'll be okay, i lie and pull the door open, Emily, thank you so much, i say, she smiles warmly at me, i step out and close the door, i stand there a couple of minues watching her wave at me and drive away into the night. I take a deep breath and face my house, what if my parents get mad, what if they find out,i 'm not even sure what they could find out but i'm scared. I'm scared that they'll find out that i'm not the same girl as i seem to be and i hate it, have i really changed, did i change for a jerk, did i change for three popular girls that had been leading me on, how did it all get so wrong?
Before i can even knock on the door it's pulled open and i see my mother in the door way a smile plastered on her face, i almost want to ask why is she smiling but i hold it back so she won't be suspicious of anything.
- Honey, you're back, she grins, i not and croak a 'yeah' than step into the house, i glance around to see my father in the kitchen, he gives me a wave and even if i want to run off to my room i stay in the foyer and look back at him.
- I see that Josh was a great guy and drove you back home, was the party? I open my mouth to protest but i can't even say anything, i just want to cry but i can't right now i have to hold myself together at last a few more seconds.
- Yeah, Josh gave me a ride back, i lie, it wasn't a big one right, i was given a ride but not by Josh, the party, i pause, how was the party, i'd like to skip that part but i replay, it was great, actually.
- Got any drinks? he lets out a laugh, i chew into my lip, only a few more seconds Hayley.
- Just a beer but it was gross i'll never drink again, i manage to say, he nods in agreement, can i go, i just really want to sleep, i say trying not to sound broken.
- Sure thing hun but don't you want to eat anything, i put your dinner into-
- I'm not hungry, not at all, smile and turn to the stair case and before they can stop me i leave. I lock the door and bury my head into my pillow, sobbing. I don't even know what to think anymore, what to feel. I've been so stupid, so damn stupid about everything, everyone and mostly about myself. I did it all wrong and all i could feel right now was regret, shame and hate. I feel asleep when i couldn't cry anymore, my head felt so heavy, i wasn't ready to face anybody at school monday nor did i want to go anywhere but if i hide it would mean that Josh really did broke me. I don't want revenge anymore, i've learned enogh today but i won't just let him break me more. I may sounds pathetic now but this time maybe i should continue to live my life because there's a new begining, the life wasn't waiting for me as i tried to make some changes thinking that i actually could, no, the life went on and rubbed my face in the dirt but it must've been done , i guess but i have to move forward.